more often than not

more often than not, I find myself wishing I was part of a book club.

Yesterday, I went to my favorite bookstore in the whole world. (Wow, that was a bit of an overstatement, I think. Suffice it to say, it's changed my life). I went there to escape my house for a little while because I've been sick. Not dangerously sick or anything, I sensed your concern, just a cold. It is a little bit of a downer on Christmas holidays, but really, I don't have anything to do anyways And this cold gives me an excuse to sit at home and do basically nothing. Dangit, tangent. Anyways, I went to Lemuria and was startled and even a bit upset at first to see that there were 5 million people there. However, with my chai in one hand and a bucket of fierce determination, I stuck it out in hopes of finding a gem or two. And boy, did I. I found exactly what I needed for a good ole fashioned romp. For those of you struggling to find a true translation for the word 'romp', it's basically a rollicking good ride. Good luck translating my translation. I think it comes from the idea of reading non-challenging books whilst on holiday (even if most books I read feel like a challenge anyhow..) Perhaps next time I decide to write something on this here 'blog' (that word makes me nervous) those books I found can be something we can chat about. Once again, I wish I was part of a book club. Then people will be forced to listen to what I say about books.

more often than not, I wished I lived outside.

I know that sounds really unusual. And don't get me wrong, I do enjoy the ingenuity of man to create houses and electricity and running water (all given by God, by the way, just saying). But two days ago, my lovely neighbors and I went to their great tree in their front yard and played. You see, some of the leaves had fallen and we had a blast running around in the leaves, and lying in the leaves, and such. They even buried me in leaves. It was GREAT. I sat underneath that blanket of leaves and thought about how I really wouldn't mind sleeping outside with these leaves all the time. It made me appreciate God, again. He puts me in awe a lot. I'm glad He does. God is good. Pictures from our adventure:

she's a beaut. inside and out.

best frands.

what a wonderful little soul.

best neighbors ever.

more often than not, I find I have ZERO Christmas spirit.. and I don't know why.

Also yesterday (yes, yesterday was an eventful day for me), I got in a truck that we named 'the magical sleigh' and took off for Canton, the "city of lights". The rules for this sleigh ride were strict: 1. No talking about anything other than Christmas things 2. No listening to anything other than Christmas music 3. You must dip your candy canes into the steaming hot chocolate for the full effect 4. You must comment on every single blinking light out there. I knew before I went on this sleigh ride that I'm not one for Christmas spirit, but this year I decided to really REALLY try to get into the 'spirit' (that word also makes me nervous). This year I have honestly put a huge effort into working on my Christmas spirit. Hence, the sleigh ride, the continuous Sufjan Christmas album, etc, because my lack thereof concerns me. And here is my diagnosis: I am a horrible person. Because I have no Christmas spirit. Not one bit. I've tried everything. I've given every bit of the Christmas season a fair shot and nothing makes me giddy or makes me want to give everyone presents or stare at lights for hours. Is this wrong of me? Now, I'm talking simply about the commericial-ly part of Christmas. Not the Jesus part. I love that part. I WILL sing old hymns about Jesus being born in Bethlehem in exactly the wrong way, as seen by the Jews. They were hoping for this marvelous King that would save them from oppression to come in a way a little more... extravagant. But alas, Jesus does love to turn your thinking upside down. He came as a baby, in a dirty stable. With gross animals all around him. God came down from heaven and became man. Jesus was both GOD and man. At one time. This gets me every time. This changes everything. But that's another tangent. So, I take this time to think about that more, and that does make me excited, but those dadgum lights and ornaments and reindeer and fat Santa's do not. Sorry. So do I have Christmas spirit? Or not? What do YOU think?

I'm off to do some more wandering around. If you think about it, leave me a comment on this here thing. I wonder while I'm writing if anyone reads. Godspeed to you all, and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas.

.m.p.d.

o ancient doors.

I have this job. 
It's probably the greatest job anyone could ever ask for. 
I have the best boss. The coolest coworkers. We work long hours together. This job will definitely be one of the main things I miss when I go to Belmont in the fall. 
We do stuff like: 
shoot wasps nests with giant slingshots and balloons full of wasp poison. 
lead an entire dining hall full of strangers in the Jai Ho dance.
drive giant tractors.
rescue people who have fallen out of their canoe into the lake.
drive around on golf carts dressed as a bumblebees, princesses, and generally, just idiots.
we answer the phone with "Twin Lakes, this is a Storm Trooper, how may I help you?"
tell folks about Jesus.
and also show them Jesus by serving them however we can.


I'm a Host at Twin Lakes Conference Center in (contrary to popular belief) HARRISVILLE.


One time, months ago, I was hosting with these two great guys named Aubrey and Ethan. I got off earlier than them and left them a note that greeted them as they walked in. It was Psalm 24. I left them that specific Psalm because it says "the LORD of hosts". And we're hosts! It just fit. 
They thought it was very clever and funny. We even approached our boss-man about putting it on our uniforms. It didn't work, haha.


I know that story was very anti-climatic. BUT. The moral of the story isn't the horrible climax. It's the Psalm. You should read it sometime. And just in case you'd like to read it now, I've left it for ya. Just thinking ahead, you know.


[a psalm of David]

The earth is the LORD's and the fullness thereof,
the world and those who dwell therein,
  for he has founded it upon the seas
and established it upon the rivers.

Who shall ascend the hill of the LORD?
And who shall stand in his holy place?
  He who has clean hands and a pure heart,
who does not lift up his soul to what is false
and does not swear deceitfully.
  He will receive blessing from the LORD
and righteousness from the God of his salvation.
  Such is the generation of those who seek him,
who seek the face of the God of Jacob.

Lift up your heads, O gates!
And be lifted up, O ancient doors,
that the King of glory may come in.
  Who is this King of glory?
The LORD, strong and mighty,
the LORD, mighty in battle!
  Lift up your heads, O gates!
And lift them up, O ancient doors,
that the King of glory may come in.
  Who is this King of glory?
The LORD of hosts,
he is the King of glory!
 (Psalm 24)


listen here. This is Nathan Clark George singing Psalm 24. I know this is a bad recording, but I really wanted you to see this guy. That's what's cool about this guy; he makes songs out of straight scripture, and it's beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Once, I got to help Nathan pack up all his sound gear and everything, just him and me, and then he said "thank you!" What a great guy! It's kind of a shining point in my life. (side note little fact about me: I get incredibly star-struck). 


So listen to the Psalm. Or just read it. Whichever. But most importantly:
Let it soak into those bones. 
Let it carry you away.


Lastly, guys! He is the King of glory! The LORD, strong and mighty!


peace

:)

nowadays.

These past few days have been full of enlightenment, honestly. A few things:

1. I'm really seeing God show me a lot lately. He's showing me my sin (I've been praying for that). He's showing me how selfish I am... How I'd do anything not to be uncomfortable or inconvenience myself. I'm ridiculous guys... But thankfully, I have a Savior. Who, oddly enough, loves me beyond belief and saves me from that selfishness and all the rest of my sin even though I don't deserve it.. at all.  He's teaching me how to serve in a different way. What I mean is,

I've always known that I love serving people. I love ministry. God might even have that involved in my future in some way. But lately, in a bad situation that I didn't know the answer to and just wanted to give up, He's shown me that even though I'm not happy with where I am, I can still minister to the people around me. He's even placed people on my heart that I need to minister to. It's fantastic. God really does answer prays and has a plan for your life, if you were speculating. 

2. Nextly, I've pushed myself to be more social. Instead of hiding away in my room reading books (which I didn't think I did all that much, until the other day). I've got these new-ish friends. They aren't really new, because I've known them almost my whole life. But our friendship is pretty new. These are some awesome girls:

Kendall Kirk: artist, fashionista. 

&

Christine Bowman: dancer, a little piece of sunshine

We spent a whole evening together and I don't know if I've ever laughed so hard in my whole life. These two are wonderful. If you ever come across them, you'll never be the same, honestly. We talked and talked for two and half hours having a tea party at Aladdin. We took wayyyy too many pictures on Photo Booth at Kendall's. We watched Steel Magnolias at Christine's. I slept on the floor. Incredibly and undeniably content. It was a wonderful evening.

And last night, I had dinner with the wonderful Abigail Grantham. She's sooo much cooler than I ever imagined! I worked with her at Twin Lakes this past summer, but our paths didn't cross much. She's one of the nicest, most genuine people I've ever met. We had dinner at Olive Garden then met up with her boy Michael and played ping pong and caught up with other friends I don't see often enough. I had such a great time with those Belhaven folks!

3. I worked at Twin Lakes today! I always love working at Twin Lakes. It's the place to be, inexplicably. I worked ropes, which I haven't in a long time. I love working on the 40ft platform because I love encouraging the people coming across the Spooky Tarzan. And Kristen Owens and I got to catch up while she took pictures! I just love her. 

Most importantly about today:

My incredible boss, Tuan, taught me how to drive the tractor!! This is a huge deal because since I've worked at TL, I've wanted to drive the tractor. It's huge! And it's a standard, so I feel super skillful to know how to drive it. A John Deere 5220 tractor, otherwise known as my dream vehicle.

These past few days.. words cannot describe how great they've been.

Thank you, Jesus.

faith to sight, and prayer to praise.

Jesus, I my cross have taken,

All to leave and follow Thee.

Destitute, despised, forsaken,

Thou from hence my all shall be.

Perish ever fond ambition,

All I've sought or hoped or known.

Yet, how rich is my condition!

God and heaven are still my own.

Let the world despise and leave me,

They have left my Savior, too.

Human hearts and looks deceive me;

Thou art not like men untrue.

Oh, while Thou dost smile upon me,

God of wisdom, love, and might,

Foes may hate and friends disown me,

Show Thy face and all is bright.

Man may trouble and distress me,

'Twill but drive me to Thy breast.

Life with trials hard may press me;

Heaven will bring me sweeter rest.

Oh, 'tis not in grief to harm me

While Thy love is left to me;

Oh 'twere not in joy to charm me,

Were that joy unmixed with Thee.

Go, then, earthly fame and treasure,

Come disaster, scorn and pain

In Thy service, pain is pleasure

Why Thy favor, loss is gain.

I have called Thee Abba Father,

I have stayed my heart on Thee

Storms may howl, and clouds may gather;

All must work for good to me.

Soul, then know thy full salvation

Rise o'er sin and fear and care

Joy to find in ever station,

Something still to do or bear.

Think what Spirit dwells within thee,

Think what Father's smiles are thine,

Think that Jesus died to win thee,

Child of heaven, canst thou repine.

Haste thee on from grace to glory,

Armed by faith, and winged by prayer.

Heaven's eternal days before thee,

God's own hand shall guide us there.

Soon shall close thy earthly mission,

Soon shall pass thy pilgrim days,

Hope shall change to glad fruition;

Faith to sight, and prayer to praise.

Amen.

gals and pals.

Let's talk about Thanksgiving, even though it's already past.

I think this past Thanksgiving I was most thankful for friends. You know, those real friends that you have that are encouraging and that you maybe even look up to a little bit, but you probably wouldn't tell them that. Right? I mean, I sure wouldn't. I realized I've got a lot more of those than I thought. Mostly kinda new friends, which I'm very thankful for. But even some old ones that I only catch up with every once in a while, but are still pretty darn incredible. If you're reading this, chances are, I'm talking 'bout you. So thanks, pal, for being my friend.


I got to catch up with a lot of friends these last few days of break. I got to learn about their lives nowadays. Their past. Their families. Their hearts. 
It. 
Was. 
Awesome. 
I just like getting to know people - it's my favorite.


Here's some funny pictures of me and folks I got to catch up with this past week. I'm thankful for them.
Ladies and Gents, I'd like to introduce my friends:

David Lewis: glasses wearer, boy-scout enthusiast.

Hannale Hylander: beauty, nomad.

Ann Claridge Chestnut: nail polisher, hello dolly.

Susan Atkinson: sage, fire cracker.

Steven Calhoun: bass magician, Harry Potter fan.

Rachel Wade: extremely elegant, devastatingly sophisticated. Next-door neighbors for life.

I know I left out some people, and I'm really sad about it, but it's because I didn't have a picture of us together. We could fix that? I think it's a good idea.

Don't forget, everyone:
"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18.

and when the bridegroom comes..

You know guys... life can be just downright difficult sometimes. I don't know how to deal with a lot of situations, but I definitely don't know how to deal with this one. There seems to be no right option for anyone. Maybe you've been in a pickle like this before.

Comfort, comfort my people, says your God.
Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
and cry to her
that her warfare is ended,
that her iniquity is pardoned,
that she has received from the Lord's hand
double for all her sins.

 A voice cries:
“In the wilderness prepare the way of the Lord;
make straight in the desert a highway for our God.
Every valley shall be lifted up,
and every mountain and hill be made low;
the uneven ground shall become level,
and the rough places a plain. And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed,
and all flesh shall see it together,
for the mouth of the Lord has spoken.”

 A voice says, “Cry!”
And I said, “What shall I cry?”
All flesh is grass,
and all its beauty is like the flower of the field. The grass withers, the flower fades
when the breath of the Lord blows on it;
surely the people are grass.
The grass withers, the flower fades,
but the word of our God will stand forever.

 Get you up to a high mountain,
O Zion, herald of good news;
lift up your voice with strength,
O Jerusalem, herald of good news;
lift it up, fear not;
say to the cities of Judah,
“Behold your God!” Behold, the Lord God comes with might,
and his arm rules for him;
behold, his reward is with him,
and his recompense before him. He will tend his flock like a shepherd;
he will gather the lambs in his arms;
he will carry them in his bosom,
and gently lead those that are with young.

 Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand
and marked off the heavens with a span,
enclosed the dust of the earth in a measure
and weighed the mountains in scales
and the hills in a balance? Who has measured the Spirit of the Lord,
or what man shows him his counsel? Whom did he consult,
and who made him understand?
Who taught him the path of justice,
and taught him knowledge,
and showed him the way of understanding?
Behold, the nations are like a drop from a bucket,
and are accounted as the dust on the scales;
behold, he takes up the coastlands like fine dust. Lebanon would not suffice for fuel,
nor are its beasts enough for a burnt offering. All the nations are as nothing before him,
they are accounted by him as less than nothing and emptiness.

 To whom then will you liken God,
or what likeness compare with him? An idol! A craftsman casts it,
and a goldsmith overlays it with gold
and casts for it silver chains. He who is too impoverished for an offering
chooses wood that will not rot;
he seeks out a skillful craftsman
to set up an idol that will not move.

 Do you not know? Do you not hear?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
Have you not understood from the foundations of the earth?
It is he who sits above the circle of the earth,
and its inhabitants are like grasshoppers;
who stretches out the heavens like a curtain,
and spreads them like a tent to dwell in;

 who brings princes to nothing,
and makes the rulers of the earth as emptiness.

 Scarcely are they planted, scarcely sown,
scarcely has their stem taken root in the earth,
when he blows on them, and they wither,
and the tempest carries them off like stubble.

To whom then will you compare me,
that I should be like him? says the Holy One. Lift up your eyes on high and see:
who created these?
He who brings out their host by number,
calling them all by name,
by the greatness of his might,
and because he is strong in power
not one is missing.

 Why do you say, O Jacob,
and speak, O Israel,
“My way is hidden from the Lord,
and my right is disregarded by my God”? Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.

-isaiah 40.

thanksgiving moon

Sunday Sunday Sunday.

(my favorite day of the week, which you would already know because obviously you read all my blogs cover to cover, right? yeah, that's what I thought too). (ok. nevermind).

anyways.

I'm really trying to blog more. I mean, I have this thing, so I should write something. I could write a lot. But I realized, people actually do read this... so it can't really be too personal or you guys would know all my secrets. And that'd be no good for me at all.

weekend update!

I went to Belmont with my daddy. He's great. And he loves me very much. We had a grand ole time. 

I met folks.

We talked.

I heard some good music from my future classmates. I heard some bluegrass.

here comes the tangent:

I wish I could write really good songs with really cool cryptic lyrics. 

But I can't. 

I can't even think about what to write right now for this silly blog because Harry Potter (7th movie comes out this week!) is on abc family and I'm entranced. So, I'll leave you guys with real writing, not my lame excuse for writing, and a picture of the guy who wrote it because I think he's neat.

"raise your arms for victory

drink to love

drink to me

we'll start over

we'll start new this time

with all stars, all stars and shadows

and we're all stars

yes, yes I know, yes I know

around a thanksgiving moon.

a misty light, imprecise and still

from a jagged bright sickle moon

the big man stared him down

in the middle afternoon

hid the blood and the metal

with his hands..

with his hands, with his hands

oh is that a star?

oh shallow victory.."

(cool and cryptic, right? I think so, too. ^this is DM Stith^, he opened for Sufjan when I saw him last week. do yourself a favor and please, oh please, listen here. you won't be sorry, promise)

i want to be well

Last night, my dad and I drove six hours to Nashville. I like spending time with my dad. I still don't know what I'm trying to write. But there's something. And that something needs to be written. Something happened during that ride where my dad was talking and what he said made me cry. 
My dad has this unusual habit of telling me constantly how great I am. How precious I am to him. How blessed he is to have me. How people say nothing but compliments about me. How he is one hundred percent positive that something big is coming in my future, that I'll do something monumental, but he doesn't know what it is.
etc etc etc. 
The list goes on and on.
I don't mean to tell you that because I'm proud of it.
Instead, I'm here to refute it. 


I don't understand how people think that about me. I've been told things like this before... I don't know why. BUT.
it.
terrifies.
me.


with everything in me, I'm so scared.


My sin is overwhelming. I choke on it. I can't get over it. Everything I do, I arrange it to be best for myself. I am selfish. So selfish. I can't stand it. I'm sick with it. 
My dad doesn't see it, and I do. It's all I see. It covers all my thoughts.
And that worries me. 
Now he and others are expecting me to do something huge with my life, and I'm afraid I won't live up to it. My tragic flaw will get in the way, I know. I bet I'll have the potential to do something big, and then screw everything up because I decided to be comfortable and self-serving. And disappointment will come. And guilt will encroach. And regret. More regret.


Jesus, please oh please... deliver me from myself.


I know I'm not thinking rationally right now. I'm missing half of the equation. But this sin... I just can't see past it.

On another Saturday.

So, I'm awful at blogging. I never remember to do it. I apologize. But then again, I don't, because I don't think anyone reads these anyway. I feel really narcissistic when I blog. So, there's a possibility that I won't blog anymore. But I could. Or maybe not. --just keeping you on your toes.


Update time.


This week has been the hardest week of my life. I've been a terrible person... I've let the world get to me. 


This past week was the week before the opening night of the play I'm in (Steel Magnolias, at JA). It's just been rough. We can't pull it together. No one knows their lines, blocking, etc. Everyone has a bad attitude all the time because we know we're awful. It's just a horrible experience. I'm honest, unfortunately. Today it finally got a little better. But I'm hoping it wasn't just a lucky day and we'll be bad again tomorrow. We can't afford it.
But anyways! Back on track. The reason why I'm so awful is I've been so rude and mean to my family. Especially my mom, because I just get so frustrated with this play and I take it out on her. I feel terrible about it. I've got to make it up to her.


Moving on to better things!


Tonight was grrrreat! I went to Twin Lakes (days are usually great when Twin Lakes is involved- just an observation) for Theresa Kinsey's surprise 30th birthday party! It was fantastic. She is wonderful and wise and funny and inspiring. We were each supposed to dress up like Theresa and I had so much fun with that. Besides the fun of dressing like her, I got to spend time with my dearest friends like Zack, Kristen, Matthew, Tuan, Paula, Helen, Patty, Andrew, Warner, and many more! I don't think I could survive without these people, they are my bread and butter. They help me so much, I can't even describe it. I learn so much from them and tonight was no exception. Every time I hang out with them, my faith is challenged. Which is great because I give in to the world when I'm away from Twin Lakes. Not saying I'm perfect at Twin Lakes, but I feel closer to Jesus, my savior, my Lord. At home, he disappears. Not that he did that on purpose, but that I ignore him. 
I'm telling you guys, I'm just awful.
His grace is astounding, I'm realizing it more and more everyday. I hope you are too.


Even better things, now!


The play will be over on Wednesday night (hallelujah!). And my lovely friends that I mentioned earlier (Zack, Kristen, Tuan, and Paula) will be coming to watch me. For better or for worse. How great! I even think Scott might come, and that'd be so fun because he makes me laugh.


Thursday is Fondren After Five. I always love that, it's so great. Kendall and I are going and it'll be fun. I always feel hip when I'm there.


AND BEST NEWS OF ALL! On Saturday morning, Zack (there's Zack in the awesome one-sie and sombrero and I in the picture to the left. I just thought you needed to see that picture.), Kristen, Grace, and I will hop in a car and drive to Atlanta to see..... (drum roll) SUFJAN STEVENS! My favorite! Boy, do I love his music. I simply can't wait! It'll be fantastic because of the music and company. We'll be staying with my sister and brother-in-law and I just love them. You know what? My brother-in-law (Nick) called me today just because he was bored. How sweet is that? I love him so much. I'm so glad he's in my family. 


So my friends.
Here's what I have to say to all of that have had bad weeks:


"Be good to the one that's near
and bow to the one that's wanting
when the fearless step comes calling
you'd be ready if you listened 
to the voice heard in prayer,
to a steady invitation
shut your eyes when you're angry
bow your head when you get lonely
on another Saturday.


Look ahead with hope and cheer
look ahead with raising spirits
'Cause the one that made us wants us
to spread joy amongst the living.
and though times may be hard
and the week behind was painful
he won't ask us to shoulder
a weight too much to carry
on another Saturday."
-"Another Saturday" - by Stuart Murdoch listen if you like good music.

Sometimes I just want to escape to the moon.

Why the moon? Because as I watched it tonight, it slowly got higher and higher into the darkening sky. And sometimes I just want to be up there with it.


Today was confusing.
And crazy.
And unfortunate.
And embarrassing.


What have I gotten myself into this time? On days like these I just want to curse the skies and make a huge scene and blame it on someone else. 


I just want to go back in time 2 years. 2 years sounds like a good time. I want to go back to that summer where I met this awesome friend who was actually more of a mentor and role model than friend. It made me simpler. 
And I like simpler.


Or I could go back in time to this summer and relax and get into a little trouble with my friends. That sounds nice, too. 


I'm going to Belmont next fall. But I'm nervous... I don't want to leave. For probably the first time ever, I thoroughly enjoy and appreciate my family. Before now, my pride and arrogance and pretentiousness got in the way. But now that I realize I'm leaving, I'm seeing them as real people, not as people who ruin things. And I just love them to death. Now, I'm not saying they don't have their faults. They're liars and cheaters and overly affectionate and not affectionate enough and push too hard and give up too much BUT.
They've taught me to accept. To forgive. To struggle. To get through. To love.


And now that I've finally realized all this, I only have a short amount of time before I have to leave!? And leave for good! Never again will I be under their roof like this. Where I can wake them up in the middle of the night and cry. Where I can find them just to talk. Where I can find them for a hug. For anything. 
I feel like I've wasted so much time.


I feel like running backwards. Or right on up to the moon to escape for a little while and get my head on straight.

Whether things are happy or life is hard, there is SUCH divine beauty all around. And I suppose, in a matter of speaking, the trick is to see it. But that's another story.