i want to be well

Last night, my dad and I drove six hours to Nashville. I like spending time with my dad. I still don't know what I'm trying to write. But there's something. And that something needs to be written. Something happened during that ride where my dad was talking and what he said made me cry. 
My dad has this unusual habit of telling me constantly how great I am. How precious I am to him. How blessed he is to have me. How people say nothing but compliments about me. How he is one hundred percent positive that something big is coming in my future, that I'll do something monumental, but he doesn't know what it is.
etc etc etc. 
The list goes on and on.
I don't mean to tell you that because I'm proud of it.
Instead, I'm here to refute it. 


I don't understand how people think that about me. I've been told things like this before... I don't know why. BUT.
it.
terrifies.
me.


with everything in me, I'm so scared.


My sin is overwhelming. I choke on it. I can't get over it. Everything I do, I arrange it to be best for myself. I am selfish. So selfish. I can't stand it. I'm sick with it. 
My dad doesn't see it, and I do. It's all I see. It covers all my thoughts.
And that worries me. 
Now he and others are expecting me to do something huge with my life, and I'm afraid I won't live up to it. My tragic flaw will get in the way, I know. I bet I'll have the potential to do something big, and then screw everything up because I decided to be comfortable and self-serving. And disappointment will come. And guilt will encroach. And regret. More regret.


Jesus, please oh please... deliver me from myself.


I know I'm not thinking rationally right now. I'm missing half of the equation. But this sin... I just can't see past it.