to be surprised.

I've never blogged via my iPad before. I figured now would be a good time to try it out.

Lately, it's pretty unbelievable the amount that I miss people. I mean, I knew I was going go have some trouble after camp. But I never ever expected it to be this bad. I planned and planned for this. I put some pretty exciting things right after camp so I could ease into this new life of mine. For instance, right this second I'm in LA with the two most loving and incredible people in the entire world, my dear dear cousins Rick and Beth. They make me so happy all the time. However, I am amazed at how I can be so happy, and yet, so sad. I've never ever experienced this, and I don't like it one bit.

Beth and I at the Getty Villa.

Now I know what you're going to say. I've heard an incredible amount of advice on my leaving and starting over about what to do and how to handle it. Seriously, I've heard it lots. But I just can't help being sad.

You might can only barely tell, but there's me with my arms full of newly bought records.

My sinful nature pulls me into wanting control over every aspect of my life. And I really know I shouldn't have that control, and even if I did, it would be terrible. But I still crave it. I wish I could orchestrate my own life.... I hate admitting these things because I feel so terrible about it.

Pause. There's a little man on Rick and Beth's porch right outside. I don't know what to do about this exactly. I think I'll just ignore him unless he tries to talk to me or does something scary.

Anyways, change of venue. Now I'm back in Brandon. Sitting in my room which now has nothing in it. It seems lonely without all my books and record player and clothes. It seems very white. And it's raining outside. And Horse Feathers is playing. And I spilt a lot of super glue on my hands so my skin feels scaly and I can't stop picking at it. I don't reallymeven remember where I was going with that post, so I will divulge elsewhere:

I'm tired of goodbyes. I've had weeks of goodbyes now, and I just don't know what to do with them anymore. I've run out of words to say. Today is my last day in Mississippi. And tomorrow I make the long trek to Nashville. I've worried and cried and stressed about it so now, I really can't do those things anymore. Words of Sondre Lerche delivered loosely via the amazing Kevin Ford bring me to what I feel now. And I will share it with you:

"I'm not gonna lie
Saying everyone's gonna be alright
And fine until we die
But what else can you do
But hope and pray and save
And we'll get by
Be prepared to be surprised"

Tomorrow, I'm spending my last few moments in Jackson with my brother Joseph Craven, who isn't exactly my brother but close enough. I love him a lot! I thank God for him every day.

Aaaand now (finally!), I'm excited about this Nashville thang. I've always liked adventures, and this will be my biggest yet! I'm prepared to be surprised.

Whatever happens, I'm so thankful for the people God's put in my Mississippi life and I look forward to serving Him in Tennessee, armed with faith and winged by prayer.

Jesus, I my cross have taken,
All to leave and follow Thee;
Destitute, despised, forsaken,

Thou from hence my All shalt be.

Perish every fond ambition,

All I've sought or hoped or known;

Yet how rich is my condition!

God and heaven are still my own.

Let the world despise and leave me,
They have left my Savior, too.

Human hearts and looks deceive me;

Thou art not, like them, untrue.

And while Thou shalt smile upon me,

God of wisdom, love, and might,

Foes may hate and friends may shun me;

Show Thy face, and all is bright.

Go, then, earthly fame and treasure!
Come, disaster, scorn, and pain!
In Thy service, pain is pleasure;

With Thy favor, loss is gain.

I have called Thee Abba, Father!

I have stayed my heart on Thee.

Storms may howl, and clouds may gather,

All must work for good to me.

Man may trouble and distress me,
'Twill but drive me to Thy breast;

Life with trials hard may press me,

Heaven will bring me sweeter rest.

Oh, 'tis not in grief to harm me

While Thy love is left to me;

Oh, 'twere not in joy to charm me

Were that joy unmixed with Thee.

Take, my soul, thy full salvation;
Rise o'er sin and fear and care;

Joy to find in every station,

Something still to do or bear.

Think what Spirit dwells within thee,

What a Father's smile is thine,

What a Savior died to win thee;

Child of heaven, shouldst thou repine?

Haste, then, on from grace to glory,
Armed by faith and winged by prayer;

Heaven's eternal day's before thee,

God's own hand shall guide thee there.

Soon shall close the earthly mission,

Swift shall pass thy pilgrim days,

Hope soon change to glad fruition,

Faith to sight, and prayer to praise.

(it feels like this post is all over the place. i apologize. i'll admit i've been a little all over the place as well)