lonely december bones.

A bleak December as of late, I'd say.  All of a sudden, I feel very small due to friends nestled away in their own neighborhoods far from mine.

recently..
I haven't spoken much, but I have walked far down trails of sleeping oaks and pines.  Some had fallen and their branches reached towards me urging and coaxing me off my path.  In my red coat I trudged onward ignoring their summons. Moving listlessly along. Gliding, almost, as a ghost.

on other days..
Smoke has covered my face and drifted away as bitter winds bit through me.

and now..
Warm in my favorite coffee shop with strangers in funny looking hats and Christmas sweaters and turtlenecks.

Probably only 24 more hours until friends begin slowly returning. I look forward to that.

when gloomy doubts prevail.

Dear refuge of my weary soul,

On Thee, when sorrows rise 

On Thee, when waves of trouble roll,

My fainting hope relies 
To Thee I tell each rising grief,

For Thou alone canst heal 

Thy Word can bring a sweet relief,

For every pain I feel

But oh! When gloomy doubts prevail,

I fear to call Thee mine 

The springs of comfort seem to fail,

And all my hopes decline

Yet gracious God, where shall I flee?

Thou art my only trust 

And still my soul would cleave to Thee 

Though prostrate in the dust

.. it's hymns like these that comfort me so much. Because when I feel things like this and get really nervous about them, 

I'm reminded I'm not alone, at the very least. 

Hymns like this are surely not written in our current time. 

So many songs nowadays make me feel like I have to have a great big smile on my face and be fully confident in Christ to sing them.

I feel like those songs are lying about what the Christian life is actually like. That's why I think hymns like these are important. 

Because they're reality. 

Like this hymn shows us. That Jesus is the dear refuge of our weary souls. The one on whom our fainting hope relies. 

That's right - my FAINTING hope. 

What's amazing is that God invites me in, even with my fainting hope. 

Hast Thou not bid me seek Thy face, 

And shall I seek in vain? 

And can the ear of sovereign grace, 

Be deaf when I complain?

No still the ear of sovereign grace,

Attends the mourner's prayer

Oh may I ever find access,

To breathe my sorrows there

Thy mercy seat is open still,

Here let my soul retreat 

With humble hope attend Thy will,

And wait beneath Thy feet, 

Thy mercy seat is open still,

Here let my soul retreat

With humble hope attend Thy will,

And wait beneath Thy feet

crickets & stitches.

I have stitches in my thumb and crickets are chirping outside of my window. Those seem to be the only things in my mind tonight. My eyes feel heavy. My head feels droopy. My heart feels small. My thumb feels large. I don't feel like making important statements. Just gray ones that don't point in any decided direction. Just ones that say, "well, that'd be all right, I suppose."

Here are some words. I don't know where they came from or what they're doing but they're here.

I have this job. Among other things, I use this terrible hook to take jackets down from about 20 feet off the ground. It's really hard. Most of the time I drop the jackets onto my head. They're usually fuzzy and soft so I don't mind too much but it's always disorienting when it happens. When I'm there, at this job, I only think about the pain in my feet and the
(pause. loud robot noise outside is drowning out the crickets. What IS that? I hate it)
time on the clock. That's not true... I'm making it seem worse than it really is. I usually don't mind it so much. Tonight was different though. As the wind blew into the store through the open doors and knocked down a few hats I felt the cool air pour against my skin and breathed in slowly. "I don't want to work here forever", I thought. "I don't want to live here forever, either." There are more things to see. More people to talk to. I feel a little constricted, like I'm wearing a coat from the child's section zipped all the way up.

The stitches on my thumb look like little spiders straddling my skin and hugging it together. I frequently imagine them running up my arm to hide beneath my sleeve. (I never seem to imagine scary spiders on my thumb. Just kind, cartoon ones that have my good in mind).

Fall is poetry. The leaves change and separate from the branches they once loved. They are either brushed away
(pause again. Scary robot noise has come again)
or if they're lucky, they choose their own direction and float on the gust of their fancy. The temperature becomes more intentional, it seems. It wants you to know it's there all of a sudden. It wants to catch you off guard.

If I could go anywhere right now, I would probably choose Target. For some reason I feel like blending amongst the aisles of cooking supplies and greeting cards.

There are worse things.

I'm sure you think I'm rather strange right now.

in case you're wondering.

Folks. Tomorrow I hop on one of those fancy jet planes and jump the pond over to Ol' England. I'm headed to L'Abri, a place started by Francis Schaeffer and his wife Edith back in 1955. L'Abri is a place very difficult to explain, so instead I'll leave you a link if you're a little more interested and have a few minutes to kill.

I'm going to Greatham, England. About 50 miles southwest of London. To be honest, I'm still a little confused about what I'm doing there. I just felt like I was supposed to go. I heard about it and thought, "Mmm... maybe this will help me get my head on a little straighter" and bought a plane ticket. Maybe I'm being dumb. Or irrational. Or just silly. But my chart and compass comes from One who knows me better than myself. The date has come, so here I go. Off, by my lonesome, to a place I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of what it'll do to me. I'm afraid of scraping off scabs and reopening wounds. I'm afraid of breaking carefully built boundaries to pieces and tearing apart haphazardly held together beliefs. And now, I'm sitting here wondering what I've gotten myself into. But I don't think there's any turning back now. 

So, pray. 

Pray pray pray. 

Pray that I'll be safe traveling internationally with just little me. 

Pray that the Spirit will work mightily with my stubborn heart in these short two weeks. 

L'Abri England homepage

Aaaaaaand deep breath. Here goes.

When at last I near the shore,

And the fearful breakers roar

'Twixt me and the peaceful rest,

Then, while leaning on Thy breast,

May I hear Thee say to me,

"Fear not, I will pilot thee."

a prayer in preparation.

Thou God of my end,

Thou hast given me a fixed disposition
to go forth and spend my life for thee;
If it be thy will let me proceed in it;
if not, then revoke my intentions.
All I want in life is such circumstances
as may best enable me to serve thee in the world;
To this end I leave all my concerns in thy hand,
but let me not be discouraged,
for this hinders my spiritual fervency;
Enable me to undertake some task for thee,
for this refreshes and animates my soul,
so that I could endure all hardships and labours,
and willingly suffer for thy name.
But, O what a death it is to strive and labour,
to be always in a hurry and yet do nothing!
Alas, time flies and I am of little use.
O that I could be a flame of fire in thy service,
always burning out in one continual blaze.
Fit me for singular usefulness in this world.
Fit me to exult in distresses of every kind
if they but promote the advancement of they kingdom.
Fit me to quit all hopes of the world's friendship,
and give me a deeper sense of my sinfulness.
Fit me to accept as just desert from thee
any trial that may befall me.
Fit me to be totally resigned to the denial of pleasures I desire,
and to be content to spend my time with thee.
Fit me to pray with a sense of the joy of divine communion,
to find all times happy seasons to my soul,
to see my own nothingness,
and wonder that I am allowed to serve thee.
Fit me to enter the blessed world where no unclean thing is,
and to know thee with me always.

--------------------------
Service and equipment prayer from "The Valley of Vision".
My prayer as camp encroaches and I have 8 weeks of striving together with my brothers and sisters to spread news of the kingdom to dear, sweet little ones.


under the mercy,
palmer.

twin lakes summer camp. my home.

he cannot say "go".

Poor sinner, dejected with fear, Unbosom thy mind to the Lamb; No wrath on His brow He does wear, Nor will He poor mourners condemn; His arm of omnipotent grace

Is able and willing to save; A sweet and a permanent peace He’ll freely and faithfully give.

Come just as thou art, with thy woe, Fall down at the feet of the Lamb; He will not, He cannot say, “Go”, But surely will take out thy stain

A fountain is opened for sin, And thousands its virtues have proved He’ll take thee, and plunge thee therein, And wash thee from filth in His blood.

The soul that on Jesus relies, He’ll never, no never deceive; He freely and faithfully gives More blessings than we can conceive; Yea, down to old age He will keep, Nor will He forsake us at last;

He knows and is known by His sheep; They’re His, and He will hold them fast.

I realize I already blogged tonight. But, I think I'll just post whatever I want without any rhyme or reason. This hymn is just too good to pass up a chance to share. What a good reminder of my good Savior's faithful love. In that can I rest. 

p.s. Don't you love that incredibly full feeling after you've eaten a Chipotle burrito and 2 ice cream sandwiches? I can't think of a better feeling. I'm thankful for those 2 gems.

adventuring.

So, here's this. I'm in Nashville again, but only for a short amount of time.
I'm about to embark on quite the adventure.

Well, the adventure has begun. 2 of 4 phases of the adventure have begun. Let me recap for you.

I went to Atlanta. I spent time with my own flesh and blood sista. I got to be a big girl and work a fancy $500 plate benefit dinner. The fanciest. We picked strawberries and made way too many things strawberry-related. (pie, ice cream, etc). It was joyous.

I went to RUF Summer Conference. It was my first one ever and it was splendid. I had a really great time. Although, I'll be honest, it was good and bad. I prayed that God would convict me of my sin... and boy, did He. It was a week of struggles, but good ones. I'm learning more about myself and my patterns of sinfulness. I also faced some fears of mine associated with going to the beach. Fears known by myself as the 4 S's. Allow me to explain.

1. Sharks

Case and point. This is REAL LIFE, FOLKS.

2. Sand

Just try and tell me sand isn't terrifying in every way.
You turn your back for one minute and this happens.

3. Sunburn

This is me.

4. Swimsuits.
There's no way I'm adding a picture of this one.


Moral of the story is, I survived. And besides all that, I learned a lot about Jesus. The theme of the week was glorification. The forgotten -ification. It was amazing and greatly timed after all I've been dealing with the past few months. Good gravy. I'm looking forward to that day.

     "Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” And he said to me, “It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son." 

Revelation 21:1-7

amen and amen, right?

Now, I'm looking forward to the rest of my adventure. I've got a week in Nashville spending time with my sweet friends that just graduated and I won't see for quite some time. They've been such incredible blessings. To name a few: Logan & Kristy, Zachary & Mary Lauren are such sweet couples. I've learned so much from them and look up to them so much. It's amazing that they count me as friends. I'm going to miss them terribly. But Chattanooga isn't too far and I'll make it up to Maryland one day soon. I'm so thankful for these incredible friends.

Besides that. I'll be planning and packing for camp and L'Abri. I leave for the Mighty Mississip' on Tuesday. Staff training at camp begins the 26th. So I've got about a week to waste. Please give me a call so we can spend some time together. There's nothing I would love more.

Lastly, Twin Lakes better get ready. A little of this is on it's way back to town.

One of my many alter-ego's during camp.
This one's name is Cowgirl Droopy-Drawers.

over life's tempestuous seas.

Wow
So.... yep. Sorry 'bout it. I haven't written in quite some time. And I cannot even begin to catch you up on everything that's happened. I'm not sure where to start.


Here's what I think. My Father, my sweet Father, tenderly cares for me. But I'll tell you something else, He definitely does what He wants. I'm thankful for it..in my best of times. I'll admit, most of the time nowadays I'm confused and struggling with everything that's happening/happened.


These past few months have been the hardest I've ever had. I don't say that for you to pity me. I just thought I'd catch you up a smidge. 
I never thought I'd be in the spot I'm in now. I never thought I would have lost sight of my identity so quickly or so completely. I've been so disappointed in myself because of that. 


I take comfort knowing that I'm being sanctified. Every single day. Even though I feel three steps behind where I was, I know I'm being pulled closer and closer to the Father, who I can claim as my own. A portion so divine.


I don't really know how to even put this into words. I'm sorry for the vagueness and inconsistency in this post. Everything is still so muddled. Come talk to me and I'd love to talk to you about the Lord's happenings in my life recently. And hopefully, you can point out even more blessings through all this business. I need someone to do that.

My God, my Father, blissful name

Oh may I call Thee mine?

May I with sweet assurance claim

A portion so divine?

This only can my fears control

And bid my sorrows fly;

What harm can ever reach my soul

Beneath my Father’s eye?

Whate’er Thy providence denies

I calmly would resign

For Thou art just, and good, and wise

O bend my will to Thine

Whate’er Thy sacred will ordains

O give me strength to bear;

And let me know my Father reigns

And trust His tender care

If pain and sickness rend this frame

And life almost depart

Is not Thy mercy still the same

To cheer my drooping hear

tIf cares and sorrows me surround

Their power why should I fear?

My inward peace they cannot wound

If Thou, my God, art near.

On a less heavy note, here's where I am:
- Not a Nursing major anymore, yet struggling to decide exactly how I want to serve for the rest of my life. Quite the decision, I have. 
- Trying to decide whether I should live on or off campus with Shannon next year. I'm torn.
- Going to L'Abri in Greatham, England for two weeks at the end of the summer. I'm traveling all by myself. I don't think I've ever been so excited. Never heard of L'Abri? Check it out here!
- Camp is so soon! I'm Activities Director again. So blessed to be able to serve my brothers and sisters and help shepherd sweet little ones. I cannot wait to be back in my territory among so many dear friends.
- I'm going to RUF Summer Conference on Monday and I'm nervous but ready.
- But first, I'm going to visit my sister and spend good time with her this weekend.
- I'm going to miss my most incredible friends from Belmont that are graduating and moving on. Kristy, Logan, Zachary, Mary Lauren, Stewart, Brent, Margaret... to name a few. They've been invaluable and I'm so honored that they count me as friends. I'm so blessed to know them.
- I'm thankful.


Those are the things that are wandering around in my head. I'm now a sophomore at Belmont and that feels so weird. Almost discomforting. I look back on my freshmen year and I hate to say it, but I feel unsatisfied. It's something I'm struggling with terribly. We can talk about it sometime. Let's just say, I would have done things differently, but my sovereign, good Shepherd thought otherwise. I have a hard time trusting, I'm going to be honest. You can pray for that. 

Jesus, Lord of life and glory,
Bend from Heav’n Thy gracious ear;
While our waiting souls adore Thee,
Friend of helpless sinners, hear

From the depth of nature’s blindness,
From the hardening power of sin,
From all malice and unkindness,
From the pride that lurks within: 

By Thy mercy, O deliver us, good Lord, good Lord. 

When temptation sorely presses, 

in the day of Satan's power, 

In our times of deep distresses, 

in each dark and trying hour,

When the world around is smiling, 

in the time of wealth and ease, 

Earthly joys our hearts beguiling, 

in the day of health and peace.

By Thy mercy, O deliver us, good Lord, good Lord.

 In the weary hours of sickness, 

in the times of grief and pain, 

When we feel our mortal weakness,

 when all human help is vain,

In the solemn hour of dying,
In the awful judgment day,
May our souls, on Thee relying,
Find Thee still our Rock and Stay: 

By Thy mercy, O deliver us, good Lord, good Lord.

amen and amen.