melodrama and obedience.

Hey man.


It's been a while... I forget this blog exists sometimes. I've been real busy, you see, so that should account for my absence.


I've got some things bothering me these past few weeks. Just some things that have been weighing my little heart down. Does that ever happen to you? When your heart just feels literally heavy? It happens to me a lot.


Excuse me if this posts seems like a sob story. Sometimes I just need to write down what's going on. And then maybe, you guys can give me some sort of encouragement. If you want. No pressure.


Well, I guess I'll get started.
I could be dramatic and say that I'm being abandoned. But I'm totally not. There are reasons for my mom moving to Nashville right now. Good reasons. Oh yeah, just in case you didn't know, my parents are divorced. I live with both my mom and dad. I switch houses every 4 days or so. Anyways, as I was saying, my moms moving to Nashville because her parents are sick and they need her and she got a job there already and she's just dadgum ready to get out of Jackson and start a new life. And all that's fine, really it is. But sometimes when I'm feeling selfish it's not fine. I don't want my mom to leave in a few weeks.. She is still my mom, you know. My own flesh and blood. I don't like being away from her from extensive amounts of time. Is that reasonable? She says she'll be back every other week. That seems like too long.


She also thinks I'm moving to Nashville with her once I graduate. I haven't broken the news to her yet that I'll be staying around here. And here's my reason why:
I'll be going to be at school in Nashville next year, and that's far away from my dad. And I love him a lot. So don't you think it's fair to stay here for a little longer to spend time with dear old dad? I'd like to stick around to give Jackson one last run for its money. One last time to soak up all it has to offer before I'm gone for good and officially move my residence to TN. (and I figured I'd go ahead and do that because I'll be in school there, and we can get more scholarships for Belmont if I say I'm from TN. got me?)


You see how this is weighing me down?


Nextly. My dad's in the navy, if you didn't know. He's a lieutenant commander. And in October, he'll probably be going to Pakistan for a year. Pakistan isn't for sure just yet, but he'll definitely be gone for a year. And I'm not too cool with that. For obvious reasons.
It'd be a stretch to say that I feel abandoned. I really don't... because I understand it's his job and he has to do it. And I mean, he'll be safe... right? There's always uncertainty with the middle east, you know. It just makes me antsy.


Now, do you see how this is weighing me down?


Time is moving slowly again. 


Obedience is a funny thing. And hope/trust/wait... I think they're all the same in this context. 
I struggle with dying to myself.
and throwing out sinful desires.
and choosing spirit or flesh on a daily basis.


I mean, there are also desires that are honorable.
But.. even my best desires must be surrendered.
At this point, all that really matters is surrendered and not surrendered.
Even in my best of plans with my best intentions.. if I haven't surrendered it, I'm still making it about myself.
Obedience is the idea of a surrendered life versus a narcissistic one.


God is good. I know this to be true.


Moving on to a little less depressing:


I'm majoring in nursing at Belmont next year. This is a new decision of mine. I once read this thing in a book called "Gentlemen of the Road" by Michael Chabon.. and it kind of turned my whole thinking upside down. Here goes so get ready:
"...that apart from the Torah the only subject truly worthy of study is the science of saving men's lives."
That struck a chord with me.


I've gotten to babysit a lot of kids this week and it's been incredible. I've had the time of my life. I won't deny though... I'm pooped. I'm just burnt out. I'm about to crawl in my bed and probably not get out until it's time to worship on this upcoming Sabbath. 



Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
  yet I will rejoice in the LORD;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
  GOD, the Lord, is my strength;
he makes my feet like the deer's;
he makes me tread on my high places.
habakkuk 3:17-19.

I know this is a random picture... but I think it's cool. It's some scientists taking readings in the Artic Ocean. These scientists are my idea of superhero's.
Groovy, right?