On another Saturday.

So, I'm awful at blogging. I never remember to do it. I apologize. But then again, I don't, because I don't think anyone reads these anyway. I feel really narcissistic when I blog. So, there's a possibility that I won't blog anymore. But I could. Or maybe not. --just keeping you on your toes.


Update time.


This week has been the hardest week of my life. I've been a terrible person... I've let the world get to me. 


This past week was the week before the opening night of the play I'm in (Steel Magnolias, at JA). It's just been rough. We can't pull it together. No one knows their lines, blocking, etc. Everyone has a bad attitude all the time because we know we're awful. It's just a horrible experience. I'm honest, unfortunately. Today it finally got a little better. But I'm hoping it wasn't just a lucky day and we'll be bad again tomorrow. We can't afford it.
But anyways! Back on track. The reason why I'm so awful is I've been so rude and mean to my family. Especially my mom, because I just get so frustrated with this play and I take it out on her. I feel terrible about it. I've got to make it up to her.


Moving on to better things!


Tonight was grrrreat! I went to Twin Lakes (days are usually great when Twin Lakes is involved- just an observation) for Theresa Kinsey's surprise 30th birthday party! It was fantastic. She is wonderful and wise and funny and inspiring. We were each supposed to dress up like Theresa and I had so much fun with that. Besides the fun of dressing like her, I got to spend time with my dearest friends like Zack, Kristen, Matthew, Tuan, Paula, Helen, Patty, Andrew, Warner, and many more! I don't think I could survive without these people, they are my bread and butter. They help me so much, I can't even describe it. I learn so much from them and tonight was no exception. Every time I hang out with them, my faith is challenged. Which is great because I give in to the world when I'm away from Twin Lakes. Not saying I'm perfect at Twin Lakes, but I feel closer to Jesus, my savior, my Lord. At home, he disappears. Not that he did that on purpose, but that I ignore him. 
I'm telling you guys, I'm just awful.
His grace is astounding, I'm realizing it more and more everyday. I hope you are too.


Even better things, now!


The play will be over on Wednesday night (hallelujah!). And my lovely friends that I mentioned earlier (Zack, Kristen, Tuan, and Paula) will be coming to watch me. For better or for worse. How great! I even think Scott might come, and that'd be so fun because he makes me laugh.


Thursday is Fondren After Five. I always love that, it's so great. Kendall and I are going and it'll be fun. I always feel hip when I'm there.


AND BEST NEWS OF ALL! On Saturday morning, Zack (there's Zack in the awesome one-sie and sombrero and I in the picture to the left. I just thought you needed to see that picture.), Kristen, Grace, and I will hop in a car and drive to Atlanta to see..... (drum roll) SUFJAN STEVENS! My favorite! Boy, do I love his music. I simply can't wait! It'll be fantastic because of the music and company. We'll be staying with my sister and brother-in-law and I just love them. You know what? My brother-in-law (Nick) called me today just because he was bored. How sweet is that? I love him so much. I'm so glad he's in my family. 


So my friends.
Here's what I have to say to all of that have had bad weeks:


"Be good to the one that's near
and bow to the one that's wanting
when the fearless step comes calling
you'd be ready if you listened 
to the voice heard in prayer,
to a steady invitation
shut your eyes when you're angry
bow your head when you get lonely
on another Saturday.


Look ahead with hope and cheer
look ahead with raising spirits
'Cause the one that made us wants us
to spread joy amongst the living.
and though times may be hard
and the week behind was painful
he won't ask us to shoulder
a weight too much to carry
on another Saturday."
-"Another Saturday" - by Stuart Murdoch listen if you like good music.

Sometimes I just want to escape to the moon.

Why the moon? Because as I watched it tonight, it slowly got higher and higher into the darkening sky. And sometimes I just want to be up there with it.


Today was confusing.
And crazy.
And unfortunate.
And embarrassing.


What have I gotten myself into this time? On days like these I just want to curse the skies and make a huge scene and blame it on someone else. 


I just want to go back in time 2 years. 2 years sounds like a good time. I want to go back to that summer where I met this awesome friend who was actually more of a mentor and role model than friend. It made me simpler. 
And I like simpler.


Or I could go back in time to this summer and relax and get into a little trouble with my friends. That sounds nice, too. 


I'm going to Belmont next fall. But I'm nervous... I don't want to leave. For probably the first time ever, I thoroughly enjoy and appreciate my family. Before now, my pride and arrogance and pretentiousness got in the way. But now that I realize I'm leaving, I'm seeing them as real people, not as people who ruin things. And I just love them to death. Now, I'm not saying they don't have their faults. They're liars and cheaters and overly affectionate and not affectionate enough and push too hard and give up too much BUT.
They've taught me to accept. To forgive. To struggle. To get through. To love.


And now that I've finally realized all this, I only have a short amount of time before I have to leave!? And leave for good! Never again will I be under their roof like this. Where I can wake them up in the middle of the night and cry. Where I can find them just to talk. Where I can find them for a hug. For anything. 
I feel like I've wasted so much time.


I feel like running backwards. Or right on up to the moon to escape for a little while and get my head on straight.

Whether things are happy or life is hard, there is SUCH divine beauty all around. And I suppose, in a matter of speaking, the trick is to see it. But that's another story.

Provided for with everything I need, and also want.

A whole LOT has been going on in my life recently. I will elaborate on each subject more at some point since this is just a quick update on everything.

1stly: for those of you that haven't heard, I was accepted to my school of choice: Belmont University in Nashville. I cannot tell you how excited I am. I've wanted to go for so long now and was interested to see where God would be leading me. And he's leading me right out of Jackson into the great blissful city life of Nashville. Nervous excitement takes over. 

2ndly: Stared a band that I hope will play at JA's halloween carnival. Something inside me says it won't happen... and if it doesn't, all this work will be for nothing. Which is sad.. But Jason Bruce is super sweet and facilitating me with everything. He's teaching me guitar and picking songs and arranging and writing and synthesizing and putting up with my singing and everything. He's great, and so so so much fun to work with. I hope all this works out..

3rdly: Now that I'm in college, I want to get there. School is dreary and miserable. I don't like much of it at all, but it's just something I have to get through. I feel more and more ready to take care of myself and make my own decisions. In the meantime, I'm spending much of my down-time looking up stuff for my dorm room. This is definitely the fun part.

4thly: Celtic Fest! my favorite weekend of the whole year. I got to see Teada tonight (international Irish supergroup) and they were incredible. They signed my arm with "to mary, with love, Teada" I'm never washing my arm again. Ok, never mind. I experienced my first Irish ceili tonight and had so much fun. I was alone (friends weren't cool and left early, lame) so it was kind of uncomfortable for me.. but some guys still asked me to dance (which I never EVER do) thankfully and I had an incredibly fun time. I wish we had ceili's more than once a year!

I'm awful at this blog thing, I hope I get more savvy, soon. 

until later,

love love love and a hearty "Go Bruins!"

RAHH

     It's time, guys. It really is. It's time for me to go to college. Every day at school is full of frustration. I feel like no one at JA is actually real. I need real people. I need people I don't know. I need community with people like me. 
     And things are just so darn complicated lately.. I think, after 17 1/2 long topsy turvy years I've finally realized: life is just downright difficult sometimes.
I'm sorry, really I am.
I just needed to vent a little.
I will rejoice in the Lord. God is good. I'm getting there.

Happy Sabbath, everyone.

Ahhhhhhh
It's Sunday, my absolute favorite day of the week!


Not as physically restful as I'd hoped it to be. But, there's still much to rest in; I'll talk about that later.


This is my first blog, I figured I'd start documenting this senior year of high school and so forth. I wonder if I can do it? I'm not expecting much, so we'll see. So let's do this. Let's blog.


Today, the last portion of my Belmont application was completed and sent in. The only thing left now is to wait and see if they want me or not. I sure hope they do, 'cause I certainly want them. Mr. Sumrall was so kind and wrote me a phenomenal recommendation letter. Not only that, but he made me an officer for the Outdoor Club (my one and only JA extracurricular this year, and it feels sooo good)!


I wonder daily what God has in store for me this next year.. I'm already out of my comfort zone. Leaving Twin Lakes, a place full of people striving to live Christ-like lives, into the real world. JA isn't known to be much of a Christian place, they say it is, but it really isn't. 


Rahhh.... family life is hard. Sometimes I just want to live anywhere but my home. But other times, I never want to leave. It's that family that's calling me away now. 


later gator.


p.s. you know those times when a songs melody, not necessarily lyrics, completely and entirely portray your mood? If you like good music, here you go.
Song of the day: Curs In The Weeds - Horse Feathers