to be surprised.

I've never blogged via my iPad before. I figured now would be a good time to try it out.

Lately, it's pretty unbelievable the amount that I miss people. I mean, I knew I was going go have some trouble after camp. But I never ever expected it to be this bad. I planned and planned for this. I put some pretty exciting things right after camp so I could ease into this new life of mine. For instance, right this second I'm in LA with the two most loving and incredible people in the entire world, my dear dear cousins Rick and Beth. They make me so happy all the time. However, I am amazed at how I can be so happy, and yet, so sad. I've never ever experienced this, and I don't like it one bit.

Beth and I at the Getty Villa.

Now I know what you're going to say. I've heard an incredible amount of advice on my leaving and starting over about what to do and how to handle it. Seriously, I've heard it lots. But I just can't help being sad.

You might can only barely tell, but there's me with my arms full of newly bought records.

My sinful nature pulls me into wanting control over every aspect of my life. And I really know I shouldn't have that control, and even if I did, it would be terrible. But I still crave it. I wish I could orchestrate my own life.... I hate admitting these things because I feel so terrible about it.

Pause. There's a little man on Rick and Beth's porch right outside. I don't know what to do about this exactly. I think I'll just ignore him unless he tries to talk to me or does something scary.

Anyways, change of venue. Now I'm back in Brandon. Sitting in my room which now has nothing in it. It seems lonely without all my books and record player and clothes. It seems very white. And it's raining outside. And Horse Feathers is playing. And I spilt a lot of super glue on my hands so my skin feels scaly and I can't stop picking at it. I don't reallymeven remember where I was going with that post, so I will divulge elsewhere:

I'm tired of goodbyes. I've had weeks of goodbyes now, and I just don't know what to do with them anymore. I've run out of words to say. Today is my last day in Mississippi. And tomorrow I make the long trek to Nashville. I've worried and cried and stressed about it so now, I really can't do those things anymore. Words of Sondre Lerche delivered loosely via the amazing Kevin Ford bring me to what I feel now. And I will share it with you:

"I'm not gonna lie
Saying everyone's gonna be alright
And fine until we die
But what else can you do
But hope and pray and save
And we'll get by
Be prepared to be surprised"

Tomorrow, I'm spending my last few moments in Jackson with my brother Joseph Craven, who isn't exactly my brother but close enough. I love him a lot! I thank God for him every day.

Aaaand now (finally!), I'm excited about this Nashville thang. I've always liked adventures, and this will be my biggest yet! I'm prepared to be surprised.

Whatever happens, I'm so thankful for the people God's put in my Mississippi life and I look forward to serving Him in Tennessee, armed with faith and winged by prayer.

Jesus, I my cross have taken,
All to leave and follow Thee;
Destitute, despised, forsaken,

Thou from hence my All shalt be.

Perish every fond ambition,

All I've sought or hoped or known;

Yet how rich is my condition!

God and heaven are still my own.

Let the world despise and leave me,
They have left my Savior, too.

Human hearts and looks deceive me;

Thou art not, like them, untrue.

And while Thou shalt smile upon me,

God of wisdom, love, and might,

Foes may hate and friends may shun me;

Show Thy face, and all is bright.

Go, then, earthly fame and treasure!
Come, disaster, scorn, and pain!
In Thy service, pain is pleasure;

With Thy favor, loss is gain.

I have called Thee Abba, Father!

I have stayed my heart on Thee.

Storms may howl, and clouds may gather,

All must work for good to me.

Man may trouble and distress me,
'Twill but drive me to Thy breast;

Life with trials hard may press me,

Heaven will bring me sweeter rest.

Oh, 'tis not in grief to harm me

While Thy love is left to me;

Oh, 'twere not in joy to charm me

Were that joy unmixed with Thee.

Take, my soul, thy full salvation;
Rise o'er sin and fear and care;

Joy to find in every station,

Something still to do or bear.

Think what Spirit dwells within thee,

What a Father's smile is thine,

What a Savior died to win thee;

Child of heaven, shouldst thou repine?

Haste, then, on from grace to glory,
Armed by faith and winged by prayer;

Heaven's eternal day's before thee,

God's own hand shall guide thee there.

Soon shall close the earthly mission,

Swift shall pass thy pilgrim days,

Hope soon change to glad fruition,

Faith to sight, and prayer to praise.

(it feels like this post is all over the place. i apologize. i'll admit i've been a little all over the place as well)

uprooted

I never know what to say when I first start writing, even though I always feel words swimming in this noggin of mine. I haven't written since the end of staff training week at Twin Lakes. So much has changed in just a couple months. 

I was so ready for Belmont. I was on the edge of my seat. I was poised ready to jump. And now.... I'm struggling with forward motion (WOAH. Relient K quote just came out of nowhere! Love it!) I just don't understand. The minute I begin forming roots of strong community among true believers, I am uprooted. And I don't understand it one bit. Such strong friendships have been made in the past year or so. Ones that I've never had before. And now that I have them, I'm leaving. What in the world could He be doing?

(I have such a hard time writing anything because my honesty scares me. It's like I never completely realize how sinful I am until I write down my thoughts. I read what I've written and just stare at the words in unbelief. What interesting mediums He uses to convict me). 

That was a tangent. Back on track now. 

There is pain, though, in transitions, in switching worlds and lives. There is much more seeking to do. He is mighty, mighty, mighty… Oh so much bigger than my feeble thoughts and plans. He is showing me how to wait and trust and live in His will instead of my own. There is so very much of a plan that I'm refusing to see. I always comes back to this same idea. I just haven't gotten it yet. Here we are again.

And yet, 

"God is my shepherd. I won't be wanting, I won't be wanting...."                                 (thanks for that Mr. Foreman)

And now, I will make joy my abiding confidante as I bask in the light of God's faithfulness. As I stare into the night sky, I'm reminded that the same God that holds those stars in place is the same one that loves me and will carry out the good work He began in me, regardless of my selfish desires to stay in comfort and familiarity.

Did any of that make sense at all?

it's kind of a hobby of mine to go on nationalgeographic.com and look at pretty pictures like this one.

fire and rain.

I haven't written anything in a long time. And it's not because I don't know what to write. I've got novels waiting to be written in this head of mine. It's just because I have no time to write. And still don't. But I just wanted to say something. ANYTHING, rather, to make sure you didn't forget about me.


Twin Lakes is great. Really great. I love every second of it. I love being activities director. And I love every single staff member. I'm blown away by their hearts for God. I learn so much from them daily.


Being home makes me miss certain things. Or people, actually. Once I leave Twin Lakes and I'm back at home I start thinking thinking thinking about people from JA that I'll probably never see again. And I get sad.


But then I think about Twin Lakes and I'm happy again. What a fickle heart.


And now! LAUNDRY.


p.s. my Belmont room assignment is Maple Hall room 414 with Caty Cowsert and she's incredible. I love her a whole lot. Holla! 

the heart beats in its cage.

It's time for me to surrender an idea of mine to Christ. It's obvious it's not His will, and I've been holding onto it anyway. I knew from the beginning it wasn't His will. But my dadgum sinful nature held onto it because I like to put myself in front of Christ. And now it haunts my thoughts with possibilities. I'm going to get rid of it. Rip it away quick like a bandaid. But it's going to bleed a little. Metaphorically, of course.


Thank goodness for Jesus who saves me daily from myself. His plans are always better anyway. I've just gotta hold on.
and trust.


He must become greater, I must become less. John 3:30

the infinite yes.

"In the earth I wander, but in God I dwell in a quiet habitation." 
-Charles Spurgeon


















happy monday.
love love love you all.

i'll get back to you someday soon, you'll see.

I've started writing this with absolutely no idea what to write about... So I'm going to ramble, like I usually do, but probably in a less organized fashion.


I've got this inkling that God's up to something. He's certainly got plans for me and I feel like I'm on the very brink of them. I feel like any moment he's going to push me over the edge into this scary, great new... I can't think of the word.... abyss thing. I just know something different is on the way. I see Him blessing me in so many new ways and I can't keep up! His mercies truly are new everyday, in case you were wondering. 


As I approach my last 18 days of high school, it's my duty to look back. What I see most of all is... well... I'll describe it. Imagine a puzzle. And there's just one piece missing. And you've got just one piece left in your hand. But it's the wrong piece. It goes to a completely different puzzle. So you try to push it and squeeze it and stretch it to make it fit.... but alas. It was never supposed to fit anyway. I think I'm that awkward puzzle piece. At JA, I've never been happy. Don't get me wrong, JA is a good school and all, I guess, but I just never fit in. When I look back at my years at JA and all I can think about is the groups of friends I was trying to fit into. All that pushing and squeezing and stretching to fit into someone else's group was exhausting. And it lead to many tears and broken hearts. So now, I'm excited to get into Belmont. The people I've already met there I can tell are going to be my great friends forever. I spent very few hours with a couple of Belmontites and something just clicked immediately. I felt at home. And that's really not a feeling I experience often. I just had something to say all the time. And we talked and talked and talked. We shared so many similarities. I fully believe in this CS Lewis quote, 

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one”

Those moments happened often. And they were beautiful. I thank God for those a lot.


And I realized that every plan I make, despite my incredibly good intentions, is torn to pieces in the midst of God's plans. I'm learning to trust! And it's fun! But also, really hard!


I really could keep going. I still want to talk about all the new friends that great God has brought to me recently. But I'm driving (all by myself!) to Atlanta tomorrow, so I should probably hit the hay.


love you guys.
take it easy.

p.s. dadgum Joseph Craven got me obsessed with this song. enjoy.

i'm as old as the mountains.

let this brighten your day.


thinking of you,
mpd.