through cloud and sunshine.

I love/hate the ways God chooses to show me my sin and my need for Him but boy, do I need the reminder. He always does it so completely and then I'm left standing in awe of His love and mercy and faithfulness. I don't know why He would choose a fickle sinner such as me, but I'm glad He did.


I caught myself falling into sin again. And then He tore me right from the midst of it. He lent me His strength. I literally felt His strength wash over me. He saves me from my sin every day, no matter how many times I turn my back on Him. Tonight, this is my prayer: 

1. Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
   The darkness deepens; Lord, with me abide;
   When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
   Help of the helpless, oh, abide with me.

Thou on my head in early youth didst smile;
And, though rebellious and perverse meanwhile,
Thou hast not left me, oft as I left Thee,
On to the close, O Lord, abide with me.

1. I need Thy presence every passing hour;
   What but Thy grace can foil the tempter’s pow’r?
   Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
   Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.
2. I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless;
   Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness;
   Where is death’s sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
   I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.
3. Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;
   Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies;
   Heav’n’s morning breaks, and earth’s vain shadows flee;
   In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

today.

You know how my posts are always really long? I'm hoping this is a short one. I just need to vent a little bit.

OH MY GOOD GOLLY GRACIOUS. I'm so frustrated. I've been trying to find a roommate for next year and this is just killing me. Every time I find one and we talk a for awhile and I think, "yep, this could work" I bring up rooming together and they say "whoops, sorry. already got one." RAHHHH


Maybe I really am just supposed to go potluck for next year.. I'm getting exhausted with all this searching. I'm just about to give up. Actually, I think I will. I'm just so tired of this endless searching. You know what, I talked about this before. You know.. leaving things in God's hands instead of my own? Sigh. I guess I'll give up. Man, giving up is hard. 


If you ever catch me looking for a roommate again, stop me. Seriously.

Besides all that,
I got to see my good pals Schaeffer and Molly today!! They literally drove 3 hours just to have lunch with me. How great are they, right? I had a blast. It's so refreshing to hang out with them. They're like a tall glass of water. Schaeffer worked with me last summer at Riflery & Archery and we became close pals. I even persuaded him to ride a horse for the first time. And we went to Sonic every Thursday. And Molly is his INCREDIBLE girlfriend who also worked at TL but at Waterfront/Pool. She's so cool.

This is the first picture I took of me and Schaeffer. It was on the first day I met him. He had come up to me that day in the dining hall when I showed up to staff training week 2 days later than everyone else and said, "Hey! I'm Schaeffer. I'm working with you. I keep hearing how cool you are." We were best friends right then. It was destiny.

Schaeffer was probably dealing with some out of line children. Or Sharkbait. Same thing.
(just kidding, Sharkbait. We love you.)

Speaking of Sharkbait, there he is.... being his usual Sharkbait self. You'd never believe it, but this guy shot a salamander right in half with a bow and arrow once. True story. We got in a lot of trouble for that... but it was so worth it.

Nextly, if you haven't yet, please pray for everything happening in Japan. The Lavallee's are over there.. and so is Sonny Sweatt. Pray for safety. And mercy. Definitely mercy. 1000 are confirmed dead and 10,000 still missing. Please, please keep praying.

I leave for California tomorrow. I'll be studying for the Anatomy & Physiology ABC test all the way there. I don't know why Mr. McCartney picked me to take it.. I bet he did because he knew I'd freak out about it. And I sure am.

Please be safe on spring break, folks. You guys are in my prayers.     
(was that a short post? NO. Fail, again).

   O to grace how great a debtor 
 daily I'm constrained to be! 
 Let thy goodness, like a fetter, 
 bind my wandering heart to thee. 
 Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, 
 prone to leave the God I love; 
 here's my heart, O take and seal it, 
 seal it for thy courts above.

haphazard.

I've started 3 drafts on this one post, and I just keep giving up because it's leading absolutely no where. So I'm thinking this post is going to end up being about things that have happened lately, and nothing real heavy. I can already tell, this post is going to make ZERO sense. But just go with it anyways.

(AW MAN. I just got super distracted and lost my train of thought. Now I don't remember where I was going with any of this. Sorry.)

"It's like marrow without bone

to live in a house with no home."

Those lyrics from Horse Feathers seem to resonate with me a little sometimes.

These past few weeks I've heard an awful lot of about opening and closing doors. I think it's part of being a senior with all the decisions and such, you know. College, future careers, summer plans, etc. 

One of my good pals was given an answer to her fervent prayers - where should she go to college? And in His perfect timing, He closed a door and left one wide open. Thank goodness for such a loving God that cares and is actively involved in our lives! That's just so refreshing to me. 

And I think that happened to me, too. For a long long time I was struggling with what to do with this summer before college. Camp for my third summer, summer school to get ahead, long mission trip to Japan, traveling, spending the time at home to get refreshed before college (time. out. I'm really going to college soon? whew. about time. it doesn't seem real). I prayed about this a little, but not as much as I should have. I never pray about things as much as I should... I just think I can figure things out on my own and that my plans are what's best. I have a real hard time just giving up things to God. Until my own plans lead me into really horrible places and then I repent and I'm forgiven, and well, you know that spiel. 

But anyways, back on track. I still didn't have any for sure summer plans. I was set in my mind to go to summer school, but I REALLY didn't want to. And I realized that hey, I didn't even have to. It was by no means necessary, I was just going to get ahead. And for the past months I've really been missing camp.. I haven't been there hosting due to forces beyond my control and I just miss it. Camp really is my favorite place on earth. And then I started thinking about what I'd like to do and what would be most beneficial to me the summer before I leave. And I realized that God has left that Twin Lakes door wide open for me. And he's been preparing my heart for it. Now I was too late to be a counselor there... which I was a little bummed about. But I talked to Andrew, the director, about my options and I applied and waited. I really didn't have a position that I really wanted to be in. I really just wanted to try just giving up things to God. And He's put me in a pretty daunting position. Activities Director. Woah. I'm thrilled about this but also pretty terrified. I've got a lot of responsibility this upcoming summer. I've started planning and praying and if you think about it sometime, pray for me and all those sweet little kiddos we'll be ministering to. 

That was a long paragraph. I could type for ages about Twin Lakes, but I don't want to bore you.

Anyways.

So this past week I had the immense pleasure of spending an entire day with my dear friend Hannale. Man oh man, she's a beaut. We explored and adventured and watched the sunset on a hill we climbed and biked hills and swung on a swing set and really so much more. It was mainly a day of incredibly fun fellowship. And I always love that sort of thing. 

While we were in the car somewhere, Hannale put on the song "Wild Thing". I'm sure all of you know this one. Somewhere in the song, it says "Wild Thing, I love you, but I want to know for sure." Or something along those lines. And Hannale turns to me and says, "I think this is my song. It seems like this is exactly what God is telling me. You know, something like, 'Hannale, I love you. But I want to know if you love me for sure." She uses that song to keep her on track. It encourages her to focus her time and heart on the King of Kings, instead of everything else.

That was pretty beautiful to me. Her spirit and energy encourage me every day. It's great watching my sister in Christ grow and learn.

Nextly, my mom came home today because my dad is out of town for some Navy business. It's nice spending time with her. 

I'm really excited about camp and college if you haven't noticed already. 

For spring break next week my dad is taking me to California. We're starting in the north and hiking in Big Sur and visiting one of his Navy friends in Monterey then heading down to LA to visit my favorite cousins of all time - Rick and Beth. They're incredible. They make my heart smile. I literally cannot wait to see them. They're going to show us around their studios (they're TV producers) and such. I just love them. And we're going to do all those other touristy things.

I don't really know what else to say here... I told you this post would make zero sense. Here are my cousins that I love and will see next week.

the spunky Rick

the beautiful Beth

I hope all of you have a safe and fun spring break. I really like hymns, I'll leave you with the one I'm listening to now:

        Alas! and did my Savior bleed, 
 and did my Sovereign die!
 Would he devote that sacred head 
 for sinners such as I? 

 Was it for crimes that I have done, 
 he groaned upon the tree? 
 Amazing pity! Grace unknown! 
 And love beyond degree! 

 Well might the sun in darkness hide, 
 and shut its glories in, 
 when God, the mighty maker, died 
 for his own creature's sin. 

 Thus might I hide my blushing face 
 while his dear cross appears; 
 dissolve my heart in thankfulness, 
 and melt mine eyes to tears. 

 But drops of tears can ne'er repay 
 the debt of love I owe. 
 Here, Lord, I give myself away; 
 'tis all that I can do. 

f

strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow.

I think God's sovereignty and providence is kind of crazy, but also really convenient. If you've been keeping up with the going-ons in my life then you know I've been thrown a few curveballs. And most of the time lately I've just been focusing on those curveballs and their effects instead of..... well. I'll get to that. 


So, my mom moved to Nashville today (all my Nashville friends give her a shout out if you happen to run into her. unlikely, but you never know). And even though this past weekend I felt like I was on the verge of tears most of the time.. I was also strangely provided for with things to distract me and give me hope. And it took me until now to realize it. 


FOR INSTANCE
on Friday night I got to spend the evening watching movies and eating and fellowshipping with some of my favorite people. Even though they don't know this, I really look up to them a whole lot. Theresa, Matthew, Helen, Aubrey... man... they're all winners. We had a blast. 


Friday afternoon, after much prayer and consideration, I applied to work at Twin Lakes summer camp for my 3rd summer in a row. I'm SO EXCITED. I won't get a be a counselor, which I'm a little bummed about, but I still get to minister to the kids and the other staff! I don't know my position just yet... Andrew, Zack, and Tuan are still thinking. And that's just fine! I'm just so anxious and excited and I just want to go now. Right. Now.


Today, even though this school week is going to be probably the most busy of my entire life, my dear friend Hannale surprised me at lunch today! She graduated from JA 2 years ago when I was a sophomore and then kind of became a lost soul... there was some bad stuff involved and then she went to the Honor Academy in Texas and she wasn't allowed to have her phone so we lost touch. It was so sad for me. And then she surprised me today and told me alllllll about her life and how God's just taken ahold of her life and turned her right around on the spot. I was overjoyed! She visited with and even apologized to a few of her old teachers today. Hahaha... that Hannale.. such a little ray of sunshine. But now she's back and we can be best friends all over again. And I've gained a sister in Christ! How exciting!! 

this was from way back in the day. Hannale put this picture on facebook and wrote as the comment on it: "are you my mother?" I've no idea why. but I think it's funny.

Sunday morning I heard this killer sermon from the trusty Pastor Mike. I just love that man. He talked about loss seeing as we lost a member of our church this past week. Our dear brother, Michael Barranco, left to join the glory of the Lord on Tuesday night after a dreadful car crash leaving a wife and 4 kids. He was a great man with a wonderful voice. Pastor Mike spoke on this passage from Lamentations about Gods love and faithfulness:



Remember my affliction and my wanderings,
the wormwood and the gall!
  My soul continually remembers it
and is bowed down within me.
  But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
  they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
  “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”

The LORD is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
  It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
 (Lamentations 3:19-26 ESV)


WOW. I love that passage. It's so true. His mercies are new every morning! Just like I've found out through my own personal troubles and such. But look! He really has supplied new mercies each day! He's bringing me back to Twin Lakes, he's given me great fellowship with great role models, and he's brought Hannale back into my life. But like Pastor Mike was saying... the Lord is my portion, my hope, and the one I'll be waiting for.

till the sun turns black.

Thanotophobia: the fear of death.


I hear this term sometimes in my psychology class. Apparently, this fear (and the fear of spiders, understandably, they're so scary) is one of the top fears of most people. If not the most feared. Lots of people think of lots of ways to run away from death. I'm sure you can think of some examples.


Great news, though. I have a savior that conquered death. He stared it right in the face.
And won.


This means something real good for me. Reeaalllll good.


---more on that some other time.

"You seek Jesus of Nazareth, who was crucified. He has risen; he is not here."

melodrama and obedience.

Hey man.


It's been a while... I forget this blog exists sometimes. I've been real busy, you see, so that should account for my absence.


I've got some things bothering me these past few weeks. Just some things that have been weighing my little heart down. Does that ever happen to you? When your heart just feels literally heavy? It happens to me a lot.


Excuse me if this posts seems like a sob story. Sometimes I just need to write down what's going on. And then maybe, you guys can give me some sort of encouragement. If you want. No pressure.


Well, I guess I'll get started.
I could be dramatic and say that I'm being abandoned. But I'm totally not. There are reasons for my mom moving to Nashville right now. Good reasons. Oh yeah, just in case you didn't know, my parents are divorced. I live with both my mom and dad. I switch houses every 4 days or so. Anyways, as I was saying, my moms moving to Nashville because her parents are sick and they need her and she got a job there already and she's just dadgum ready to get out of Jackson and start a new life. And all that's fine, really it is. But sometimes when I'm feeling selfish it's not fine. I don't want my mom to leave in a few weeks.. She is still my mom, you know. My own flesh and blood. I don't like being away from her from extensive amounts of time. Is that reasonable? She says she'll be back every other week. That seems like too long.


She also thinks I'm moving to Nashville with her once I graduate. I haven't broken the news to her yet that I'll be staying around here. And here's my reason why:
I'll be going to be at school in Nashville next year, and that's far away from my dad. And I love him a lot. So don't you think it's fair to stay here for a little longer to spend time with dear old dad? I'd like to stick around to give Jackson one last run for its money. One last time to soak up all it has to offer before I'm gone for good and officially move my residence to TN. (and I figured I'd go ahead and do that because I'll be in school there, and we can get more scholarships for Belmont if I say I'm from TN. got me?)


You see how this is weighing me down?


Nextly. My dad's in the navy, if you didn't know. He's a lieutenant commander. And in October, he'll probably be going to Pakistan for a year. Pakistan isn't for sure just yet, but he'll definitely be gone for a year. And I'm not too cool with that. For obvious reasons.
It'd be a stretch to say that I feel abandoned. I really don't... because I understand it's his job and he has to do it. And I mean, he'll be safe... right? There's always uncertainty with the middle east, you know. It just makes me antsy.


Now, do you see how this is weighing me down?


Time is moving slowly again. 


Obedience is a funny thing. And hope/trust/wait... I think they're all the same in this context. 
I struggle with dying to myself.
and throwing out sinful desires.
and choosing spirit or flesh on a daily basis.


I mean, there are also desires that are honorable.
But.. even my best desires must be surrendered.
At this point, all that really matters is surrendered and not surrendered.
Even in my best of plans with my best intentions.. if I haven't surrendered it, I'm still making it about myself.
Obedience is the idea of a surrendered life versus a narcissistic one.


God is good. I know this to be true.


Moving on to a little less depressing:


I'm majoring in nursing at Belmont next year. This is a new decision of mine. I once read this thing in a book called "Gentlemen of the Road" by Michael Chabon.. and it kind of turned my whole thinking upside down. Here goes so get ready:
"...that apart from the Torah the only subject truly worthy of study is the science of saving men's lives."
That struck a chord with me.


I've gotten to babysit a lot of kids this week and it's been incredible. I've had the time of my life. I won't deny though... I'm pooped. I'm just burnt out. I'm about to crawl in my bed and probably not get out until it's time to worship on this upcoming Sabbath. 



Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
  yet I will rejoice in the LORD;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
  GOD, the Lord, is my strength;
he makes my feet like the deer's;
he makes me tread on my high places.
habakkuk 3:17-19.

I know this is a random picture... but I think it's cool. It's some scientists taking readings in the Artic Ocean. These scientists are my idea of superhero's.
Groovy, right?

341 days and counting.

Just a second ago I was sitting and then all of a sudden, words started forming on my tongue and pressing against my skin and revolving round and round in my head. I knew it was time to write.


I've been away for just too long now... And it's starting to eat away at me. From my favorite place in the world, I mean. But I guess you don't know what I'm talking about.


Peru, actually. Or, I'd say, anywhere in South America. It's my most favorite continent of all, hands down. Although I've only been once, the second I stepped out of the airport into that thick sweet air, I knew I was claimed by a place I hadn't even explored yet.


I feel like I need to go back there. Honestly. Even though some of you know my impulsive tendencies to travel transcontinentally on short notice, I know what you're thinking, "Mary Palmer, you just can't get up and leave right now." You're right. And this time I'm going to listen to you. But know that it's not without a heavy heart that I write my consent. All of you must think I'm pretty strange to feel this deeply about a place. I've always been like this though... places stick to me. Or rather, I stick to them. But nothings stuck as well as Peru before.


Like I said, I need to go back. I'm getting a little tired here.. just stuck where I am. I need to do a little exploring. I need to be somewhere unfamiliar, where I can't understand anyone (I speak French. I'm just useless.) and where their customs, colors, clothes, values.. are different. I want to be selfless for a while, like them Peruvians. Peru is a country that has NOT ONCE won a battle. Haha, isn't that different to hear? Coming from a country where power is everything. Being on top is EVERYTHING. People will kill for it. People have died from it. But Peru... haha oh goodness, they've tried, but it hasn't exactly worked out in their favor. And that has played into their lives and hearts. Instead of Americans, thinking they're entitled to anything and everything they want, Peruvians are selfless. They are humble. They are sincere. They are the most honest and hardworking people I've ever met. And I've met a lot of people.


I'd rather be seeing.... mustard colored walls.

Dirt roads.

Coarse black hair.

Purple drinks made from corn. (I realize this is a weird one, but it's just so tasty!)

Hand-made houses with a backdrop of the Andes.

Alpacas.

Sun kissed dark skin.

I want to hear some real music right in front of me, dadgumit!

Is that too much to ask for? Probably so. But my heart's a-wandering... 

Porque Jehova no mira lo que mira el hombre,
pues el hombre mira lo que esta delante
de sus ojos, pero Jehova mira el corazon.
1 Samuel 16:7

My hearts been aching for Peru. Countdown. 341 days till I'm home.