11.18.2010

and when the bridegroom comes..

You know guys... life can be just downright difficult sometimes. I don't know how to deal with a lot of situations, but I definitely don't know how to deal with this one. There seems to be no right option for anyone. Maybe you've been in a pickle like this before.



Comfort, comfort my people, says your God.
Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
and cry to her
that her warfare is ended,
that her iniquity is pardoned,
that she has received from the 
Lord's hand
double for all her sins.
 A voice cries:
“In the wilderness prepare the way of the 
Lord;
make straight in the desert a highway for our God.
Every valley shall be lifted up,
and every mountain and hill be made low;
the uneven ground shall become level,
and the rough places a plain.
 And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed,
and all flesh shall see it together,
for the mouth of the 
Lord has spoken.”


 A voice says, “Cry!”
And I said, “What shall I cry?”
All flesh is grass,
and all its beauty is like the flower of the field.
 The grass withers, the flower fades
when the breath of the 
Lord blows on it;
surely the people are grass.
The grass withers, the flower fades,
but the word of our God will stand forever.


 Get you up to a high mountain,
O Zion, herald of good news;
lift up your voice with strength,
O Jerusalem, herald of good news;
lift it up, fear not;
say to the cities of Judah,
“Behold your God!”
 Behold, the Lord God comes with might,
and his arm rules for him;
behold, his reward is with him,
and his recompense before him.
 He will tend his flock like a shepherd;
he will gather the lambs in his arms;
he will carry them in his bosom,
and gently lead those that are with young.
 Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand
and marked off the heavens with a span,
enclosed the dust of the earth in a measure
and weighed the mountains in scales
and the hills in a balance?
 Who has measured the Spirit of the Lord,
or what man shows him his counsel?
 Whom did he consult,
and who made him understand?
Who taught him the path of justice,
and taught him knowledge,
and showed him the way of understanding?
Behold, the nations are like a drop from a bucket,
and are accounted as the dust on the scales;
behold, he takes up the coastlands like fine dust.
 Lebanon would not suffice for fuel,
nor are its beasts enough for a burnt offering.
 All the nations are as nothing before him,
they are accounted by him as less than nothing and emptiness.
 To whom then will you liken God,
or what likeness compare with him?
 An idol! A craftsman casts it,
and a goldsmith overlays it with gold
and casts for it silver chains.
 He who is too impoverished for an offering
chooses wood that will not rot;
he seeks out a skillful craftsman
to set up an idol that will not move.
 Do you not know? Do you not hear?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
Have you not understood from the foundations of the earth?
It is he who sits above the circle of the earth,
and its inhabitants are like grasshoppers;
who stretches out the heavens like a curtain,
and spreads them like a tent to dwell in;
 who brings princes to nothing,
and makes the rulers of the earth as emptiness.
 Scarcely are they planted, scarcely sown,
scarcely has their stem taken root in the earth,
when he blows on them, and they wither,
and the tempest carries them off like stubble.
To whom then will you compare me,
that I should be like him? says the Holy One.
 Lift up your eyes on high and see:
who created these?
He who brings out their host by number,
calling them all by name,
by the greatness of his might,
and because he is strong in power
not one is missing.
 Why do you say, O Jacob,
and speak, O Israel,
“My way is hidden from the 
Lord,
and my right is disregarded by my God”?
 Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The 
Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
 He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
 Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the 
Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.

-isaiah 40.

11.14.2010

thanksgiving moon

Sunday Sunday Sunday.
(my favorite day of the week, which you would already know because obviously you read all my blogs cover to cover, right? yeah, that's what I thought too). (ok. nevermind).

anyways.

I'm really trying to blog more. I mean, I have this thing, so I should write something. I could write a lot. But I realized, people actually do read this... so it can't really be too personal or you guys would know all my secrets. And that'd be no good for me at all.

weekend update!
I went to Belmont with my daddy. He's great. And he loves me very much. We had a grand ole time. 
I met folks.
We talked.
I heard some good music from my future classmates. I heard some bluegrass.

here comes the tangent:

I wish I could write really good songs with really cool cryptic lyrics. 
But I can't. 
I can't even think about what to write right now for this silly blog because Harry Potter (7th movie comes out this week!) is on abc family and I'm entranced. So, I'll leave you guys with real writing, not my lame excuse for writing, and a picture of the guy who wrote it because I think he's neat.

"raise your arms for victory
drink to love
drink to me
we'll start over
we'll start new this time
with all stars, all stars and shadows
and we're all stars
yes, yes I know, yes I know
around a thanksgiving moon.
a misty light, imprecise and still
from a jagged bright sickle moon
the big man stared him down
in the middle afternoon
hid the blood and the metal
with his hands..
with his hands, with his hands
oh is that a star?
oh shallow victory.."

(cool and cryptic, right? I think so, too. ^this is DM Stith^, he opened for Sufjan when I saw him last week. do yourself a favor and please, oh please, listen here. you won't be sorry, promise)

11.12.2010

i want to be well

Last night, my dad and I drove six hours to Nashville. I like spending time with my dad. I still don't know what I'm trying to write. But there's something. And that something needs to be written. Something happened during that ride where my dad was talking and what he said made me cry. 
My dad has this unusual habit of telling me constantly how great I am. How precious I am to him. How blessed he is to have me. How people say nothing but compliments about me. How he is one hundred percent positive that something big is coming in my future, that I'll do something monumental, but he doesn't know what it is.
etc etc etc. 
The list goes on and on.
I don't mean to tell you that because I'm proud of it.
Instead, I'm here to refute it. 


I don't understand how people think that about me. I've been told things like this before... I don't know why. BUT.
it.
terrifies.
me.


with everything in me, I'm so scared.


My sin is overwhelming. I choke on it. I can't get over it. Everything I do, I arrange it to be best for myself. I am selfish. So selfish. I can't stand it. I'm sick with it. 
My dad doesn't see it, and I do. It's all I see. It covers all my thoughts.
And that worries me. 
Now he and others are expecting me to do something huge with my life, and I'm afraid I won't live up to it. My tragic flaw will get in the way, I know. I bet I'll have the potential to do something big, and then screw everything up because I decided to be comfortable and self-serving. And disappointment will come. And guilt will encroach. And regret. More regret.


Jesus, please oh please... deliver me from myself.


I know I'm not thinking rationally right now. I'm missing half of the equation. But this sin... I just can't see past it.



10.30.2010

On another Saturday.

So, I'm awful at blogging. I never remember to do it. I apologize. But then again, I don't, because I don't think anyone reads these anyway. I feel really narcissistic when I blog. So, there's a possibility that I won't blog anymore. But I could. Or maybe not. --just keeping you on your toes.


Update time.


This week has been the hardest week of my life. I've been a terrible person... I've let the world get to me. 


This past week was the week before the opening night of the play I'm in (Steel Magnolias, at JA). It's just been rough. We can't pull it together. No one knows their lines, blocking, etc. Everyone has a bad attitude all the time because we know we're awful. It's just a horrible experience. I'm honest, unfortunately. Today it finally got a little better. But I'm hoping it wasn't just a lucky day and we'll be bad again tomorrow. We can't afford it.
But anyways! Back on track. The reason why I'm so awful is I've been so rude and mean to my family. Especially my mom, because I just get so frustrated with this play and I take it out on her. I feel terrible about it. I've got to make it up to her.


Moving on to better things!


Tonight was grrrreat! I went to Twin Lakes (days are usually great when Twin Lakes is involved- just an observation) for Theresa Kinsey's surprise 30th birthday party! It was fantastic. She is wonderful and wise and funny and inspiring. We were each supposed to dress up like Theresa and I had so much fun with that. Besides the fun of dressing like her, I got to spend time with my dearest friends like Zack, Kristen, Matthew, Tuan, Paula, Helen, Patty, Andrew, Warner, and many more! I don't think I could survive without these people, they are my bread and butter. They help me so much, I can't even describe it. I learn so much from them and tonight was no exception. Every time I hang out with them, my faith is challenged. Which is great because I give in to the world when I'm away from Twin Lakes. Not saying I'm perfect at Twin Lakes, but I feel closer to Jesus, my savior, my Lord. At home, he disappears. Not that he did that on purpose, but that I ignore him. 
I'm telling you guys, I'm just awful.
His grace is astounding, I'm realizing it more and more everyday. I hope you are too.


Even better things, now!


The play will be over on Wednesday night (hallelujah!). And my lovely friends that I mentioned earlier (Zack, Kristen, Tuan, and Paula) will be coming to watch me. For better or for worse. How great! I even think Scott might come, and that'd be so fun because he makes me laugh.


Thursday is Fondren After Five. I always love that, it's so great. Kendall and I are going and it'll be fun. I always feel hip when I'm there.


AND BEST NEWS OF ALL! On Saturday morning, Zack (there's Zack in the awesome one-sie and sombrero and I in the picture to the left. I just thought you needed to see that picture.), Kristen, Grace, and I will hop in a car and drive to Atlanta to see..... (drum roll) SUFJAN STEVENS! My favorite! Boy, do I love his music. I simply can't wait! It'll be fantastic because of the music and company. We'll be staying with my sister and brother-in-law and I just love them. You know what? My brother-in-law (Nick) called me today just because he was bored. How sweet is that? I love him so much. I'm so glad he's in my family. 


So my friends.
Here's what I have to say to all of that have had bad weeks:


"Be good to the one that's near
and bow to the one that's wanting
when the fearless step comes calling
you'd be ready if you listened 
to the voice heard in prayer,
to a steady invitation
shut your eyes when you're angry
bow your head when you get lonely
on another Saturday.


Look ahead with hope and cheer
look ahead with raising spirits
'Cause the one that made us wants us
to spread joy amongst the living.
and though times may be hard
and the week behind was painful
he won't ask us to shoulder
a weight too much to carry
on another Saturday."
-"Another Saturday" - by Stuart Murdoch listen if you like good music.

9.20.2010

Sometimes I just want to escape to the moon.

Why the moon? Because as I watched it tonight, it slowly got higher and higher into the darkening sky. And sometimes I just want to be up there with it.


Today was confusing.
And crazy.
And unfortunate.
And embarrassing.


What have I gotten myself into this time? On days like these I just want to curse the skies and make a huge scene and blame it on someone else. 


I just want to go back in time 2 years. 2 years sounds like a good time. I want to go back to that summer where I met this awesome friend who was actually more of a mentor and role model than friend. It made me simpler. 
And I like simpler.


Or I could go back in time to this summer and relax and get into a little trouble with my friends. That sounds nice, too. 


I'm going to Belmont next fall. But I'm nervous... I don't want to leave. For probably the first time ever, I thoroughly enjoy and appreciate my family. Before now, my pride and arrogance and pretentiousness got in the way. But now that I realize I'm leaving, I'm seeing them as real people, not as people who ruin things. And I just love them to death. Now, I'm not saying they don't have their faults. They're liars and cheaters and overly affectionate and not affectionate enough and push too hard and give up too much BUT.
They've taught me to accept. To forgive. To struggle. To get through. To love.


And now that I've finally realized all this, I only have a short amount of time before I have to leave!? And leave for good! Never again will I be under their roof like this. Where I can wake them up in the middle of the night and cry. Where I can find them just to talk. Where I can find them for a hug. For anything. 
I feel like I've wasted so much time.


I feel like running backwards. Or right on up to the moon to escape for a little while and get my head on straight.



Whether things are happy or life is hard, there is SUCH divine beauty all around. And I suppose, in a matter of speaking, the trick is to see it. But that's another story.

9.11.2010

Provided for with everything I need, and also want.

A whole LOT has been going on in my life recently. I will elaborate on each subject more at some point since this is just a quick update on everything.

1stly: for those of you that haven't heard, I was accepted to my school of choice: Belmont University in Nashville. I cannot tell you how excited I am. I've wanted to go for so long now and was interested to see where God would be leading me. And he's leading me right out of Jackson into the great blissful city life of Nashville. Nervous excitement takes over. 

2ndly: Stared a band that I hope will play at JA's halloween carnival. Something inside me says it won't happen... and if it doesn't, all this work will be for nothing. Which is sad.. But Jason Bruce is super sweet and facilitating me with everything. He's teaching me guitar and picking songs and arranging and writing and synthesizing and putting up with my singing and everything. He's great, and so so so much fun to work with. I hope all this works out..

3rdly: Now that I'm in college, I want to get there. School is dreary and miserable. I don't like much of it at all, but it's just something I have to get through. I feel more and more ready to take care of myself and make my own decisions. In the meantime, I'm spending much of my down-time looking up stuff for my dorm room. This is definitely the fun part.

4thly: Celtic Fest! my favorite weekend of the whole year. I got to see Teada tonight (international Irish supergroup) and they were incredible. They signed my arm with "to mary, with love, Teada" I'm never washing my arm again. Ok, never mind. I experienced my first Irish ceili tonight and had so much fun. I was alone (friends weren't cool and left early, lame) so it was kind of uncomfortable for me.. but some guys still asked me to dance (which I never EVER do) thankfully and I had an incredibly fun time. I wish we had ceili's more than once a year!

I'm awful at this blog thing, I hope I get more savvy, soon. 
until later,
love love love and a hearty "Go Bruins!"

9.01.2010

RAHH

     It's time, guys. It really is. It's time for me to go to college. Every day at school is full of frustration. I feel like no one at JA is actually real. I need real people. I need people I don't know. I need community with people like me. 
     And things are just so darn complicated lately.. I think, after 17 1/2 long topsy turvy years I've finally realized: life is just downright difficult sometimes.
I'm sorry, really I am.
I just needed to vent a little.
I will rejoice in the Lord. God is good. I'm getting there.